Saturday, September 19th.
Last night, I dreamt of exclusion and alienation. All dreams of how I live my life… on the fringe.. touching the circle, viewing the circle but not stepping into it, not becoming part of it, not claiming my right to belong. That is what I seek here, my sense of belonging, the deep knowing that I am meant to be here. It is not a vision I seek. It is not guidance about what I am “meant to do.” It is confirmation or validation that I am supposed to be here.
Deep within me is a place that knows this to be true. During these days of fasting, solitude, prayer and seeking, I hope to find that part of me and bring it out of hiding, out of the shadows and into the light so that I can live my life fully as one who belongs in this world.
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Big wind today. Feels good. Cold this morning. Welcomed the sun into this new day. Then clouds rolled in and I crawled back into my sleeping bag until it warmed up. Now it’s hot in the sun. Just moved to the shade. Big, thick clouds just sitting to the Northeast. Not moving. Rain was not in the forecast, but these clouds look wet. We’ll see what happens. If I have to set up my tent tonight I will.
It was beautiful sleeping out last night. I spent as much time awake looking up at the incredibly bright stars and watching them move slowly across the sky.
Had a short talk with God earlier while I was meditating. He made it very clear that this whole “vision” thing is all about me. I’ll try to recap our conversation:
You mean you don’t have a vision for me?
Never have, never will.
Then how am I supposed to know what to do?
You choose it.
So I create my own vision?
You always have. Everything you have ever accomplished began as a vision that you created. You had a vision to do a vision quest, right?
Yes.
And here you are. You pushed through all the obstacles that got in your way. You pushed through the weakness in your body and the pain in your head. Yes?
Yes.
And you had a vision of doing your quest up here in this spot. Yes?
Yes.
And here you are. You pushed through your weakness. You carried your pack up here. You carried your water up here. And here you are.
Yes. Here I am.
And you had a vision of fasting for 4-nights and 3-days. Yes?
Yes.
And I have absolutely no that you will turn that vision into a reality.
So I need to create a vision for my life that is as compelling as the vision I created for this quest?
No you don’t NEED to do anything. But if you want to feel compelled, passionate and have the strength to push through obstacles, a compelling vision would be helpful.
And you don’t care what it is?
Not in the least.
That’s not very helpful.
I should think that would be incredibly helpful. It gives you the freedom to choose any vision you want!
Yes, but some guidance would help narrow it down.
You humans are so funny. You want to be free to choose your own “destiny” and you also want guidance to help you make the “right choice.”Unfortunately, you can’t have it both ways.
But what about the stories of people who have received guidance from you? What about Moses and all of those biblical stories?
Stories are just that… stories. And after the fact, it is easy to give me credit for something great that someone did of their own volition. You see it’s difficult for most people to believe that a mortal human, like Moses, could have come up with the idea to bring his people out of Egypt on his own. So, after the fact, they wrote me into the story.
But weren’t you part of it?
Of course! Once he made up his mind. Once he had his vision. I was with him every step of the way.
So you were guiding him?
Not guiding him so much as reminding him of his own wisdom and strength.
So the whole thing with the broken tablets and you not allowing him into the promised land… another story?
Yes and no. And the truth is a longer story than you have pages left to write on. But the bottom line is that once Moses led his people out of Egypt many of them got scared… of him. They didn’t know what to make of someone who thought for himself. They were afraid of someone who seemed to treat me as a peer, instead of my servant, someone who, in fact, was my peer. And some of those whom he had led to freedom used the fear they saw in the people to make it clear to Moses that his joining them in the promised land would not be in “his best interest” if you get my drift.
And was Moses your peer?
Absolutely. Just as you are my peer. And just as all of you are my peers.
You can read all of the posts in the Vision Quest Journal Series here.